Can you spot an abuser?

I always thought I was too tough to let anyone hurt me. I never knew how abuse really worked, until I was a victim. Abuse comes in all different shapes and forms. Abuse does not care what religion you are, the color of your skin, your gender role, or your age. Knowing the signs of abuse may make you think twice about continuing a relationship with abuse, or confirm what you have already suspected.

There are beginning signs that you can spot, although some are very easy to miss. You may not be able to look at everyone and depict their every action. There are those of us that may have a sharp tongue, or quick mood change, but doesn't mean that we are necessarily abusive.

Biggest key ingredient in an abuser: manipulation.

Next ingredient: isolation

Mix that with a little bit of: control and you can have yourself a well rounded abuser

An abuser can make you feel as though it is your 'fault' that they treated you that way. If your actions had differed, they wouldn't have reacted that way. However, this is not true. NO ONE CAN MAKE SOMEONE ELSE ACT A CERTAIN WAY. That's right. This isn't like when your mom told you to have on your best manners when you were a kid, this is about choice. There is always a choice. Do I yell and scream at this person? Or should I walk away and cool off? Do I hit this person as if they are meaningless to me? Or do I walk away? You can't make someone "react" they way that they do, only they can change that.

Here are some major abuses: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, mental.

Just because something doesn't 'fit' the profile of abuse, doesn't mean that it is exempted. There are very thin lines between normality, and abuse. And 9 1/2 times out of 10, the abuser doesn't even believe that they are abusing. Knowing someones past can also help identify them. Were they a victim of abuse? Have they had a lot of anger incidents in their past? Ever fired from a job, or suspended from school because of repeated violence? Ever arrested for violence?

Being a previous victim of abuse can allow someone to adapt to that role. For example: I am still learning how to keep my defenses down, and my mouth clean. I was used to fighting, and used to being yelled at. I, unfortunately became an example of my abuse.

Verbal/Emotional abuse- My own personal destroyer. To me, it is like swallowing glass... it cuts deep. Lets call this the "kickoff" of abuse. It can happen so quickly that you may not even realize what just happen. Verbal abuse is threats, name calling, yelling, degrading and cursing at you. (there is a difference between someone cursing while arguing with you and cursing at you) The biggest pain of verbal abuse is the scars it leaves on your soul. The words will always be a part of you. You can never cover it up, you can't hide it, you cannot tell your mind to tell your heart that it wasn't meant to be said. We forgive these instances thinking that we can move on. However, you will always remember.

Some say that verbal abuse is harder to recover from because physical abuse is on the outside, thus one can usually heal. I can't judge this for you; I have never recovered from verbal abuse.

Mental/Emotional- This type of abuse falls into the same relations of verbal and emotional. When someone is being verbally abused, it becomes mental, thus becoming emotional. However, not everyone displays, or receives abuse in the same way. Mental would be things like "you will never amount to anything" "you would be nothing without me" "you are the reason I am like this" "you made me do that to you" "If you would have just said this instead, I wouldn't have done that". Your mental state is then manipulated into believing those to be true statements. You start to believe maybe that is right, maybe it is all my fault, maybe I need to change. Mental abuse is a 'mental stick', the abuser knows what hurts you, knows what to say to cause you pain.. and they will beat you with it, over and over again.

Mental abuse can be hard to distinguish. Your abuser may never call you names, or physically, sexually, or even verbally attack you. But, statements made that change your self image is mental abuse. This is also a very debilitating abuse because your self perception and self image can change, drawing you into a closure state. Not wanting to be with family and friends, not wanting to apply yourself, etc. Mental abuse can also relate to your abuser trying to isolate you from your friends/family, making accusations to turn you away from them.

Most of abuses go hand-in-hand. One that may stand out from the rest is Sexual Abuse.

Sexual Abuse- Let's not get on the kick about child molestation, I will go on and on about that crap. Sexual Abuse is usually referred to while in a relationship. However different it may seem to accuse someone of rape when you don't know that person, isn't different from if you do. Sexual abuse is when someone forcibly makes you preform, or engage in sexual activities against your will. This can be, again, very hard for people to see. This was definitely hard for me to understand when I was a victim, because, he was my husband... That's right...my husband. It doesn't matter who the individual is, NO MEANS NO. Just because you are in a relationship, partnership, or marriage does not give control over someones body.

Physical Abuse- This is the most "notorious" type of domestic violence/abuse. When most people hear of domestic violence, or see a Lifetime Movie of the week about a battered man/woman, this is what comes to mind;The man/woman slamming their partner against a wall. This type of abuse is not to be taken lightly. It too, can come in different forms and amounts. For instance, If someone even 'touches' you against your will, you have every right to call the police. That person can be charged, and arrested for such an act. They grab your wrist, pull your hair, hit you, push you, kick you, etc., this is physical abuse. You do not have to be a punching bag to be considered a victim. You are, and always will be, your own property. If all other abuses go un-noticed by you, this one is sure to give you a wake up call. This is also usually about the point that your partner will start the remorse phase. "I love you so much, I didn't mean it" " I would never do that to you again" "I can't live without you" "I will change, I will go to counseling" Blah, Blah, Blah. I am not trying to poke fun at anyone that has been through this, or has committed the act, however, past actions lay the foundation for future actions. If you allow your partner to stay after a physical incident then you can almost guarantee yourself another episode. With that being said, I should mention that there are people out there who have "made a mistake" and have rehabilitated. That doesn't mean that your odds are high for this in your relationship because the abuser has to be the one to want to change.

Physical Abuse usually comes at a point in the relationship where you may feel that there is now way out. Threats by your partner will allow you to feel alone, afraid, and without hope. This is again, their greatest qualities; manipulation and control. There is always a way out, you just have to see the opportunity, and leap.

Abuse can hurt, it can damage, and it can strike at any time. It is strong, but made for the weak.

If after reading this article if you, or someone you know are experiencing any of these abuses, please get help. There is a good way to end things with an abuser, and there is a bad. Do not under any circumstances attempt to do something that could harm you, or a loved one. There is help out there. Help that can get you out of your situation, put you in a home, or temporary shelter, help you with recovery, employment, housing, and most importantly... keep you from abuse.

Any type of abuse is bad, but involving a child, is horrendous. This article did not relate to child abuse; however, if you know of a child that may be enduring this type of behavior, please speak for them. Call your local Children and Family agency, or the local police department. (Those calls can also remain anonymous)

Any of these steps taken to remove yourself, or someone else, from a bad situation will be the hardest thing you may have ever done. When going through it, it doesn't seem like there is another side, but believe me, there is. It will take time, maybe a long time, but you will recover.

Recovering doesn't mean forgetting.... It just means that they don't have power over you anymore....

 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) Domestic Violence CRISIS Line and Assistance

National 24-hour crisis line: 1-888-550-3915

1-800-4-A-CHILD- 24-hour child abuse hot line

These are national numbers, there are also local numbers in your area for help. Contact your local police agency, or phone book for those contacts. Call 911 if an emergency.